Why we are taking the plunge to homeschool…..

Posted by Tara Force on May 16, 2012

photo from militantliberatarian.org

I don’t think homeschooling is for everyone. In fact, I didn’t think it was for me.

I wrote about modern mothers choosing to homeschool last year. Homeschooling has always intrigued me but I never thought I would actually take the plunge. I was concerned my kids would be weird (er), my friends would freak out and my parents would disown me due to my supposed hippy-ness. I felt and still feel quite concerned about making such a socially unpopular choice for my family. I don’t like to be criticized or judged on my parenting anymore than you do.

So, I will kindly ask -  please don’t judge my decision just because it’s one you may not choose for yourself.

So, why homeschool?

There are no serious issues to warrant me taking my child out of mainstream school. In fact, for the most part my son likes school. I just don’t believe that mainstream school is an optimal environment for my kids…for now. Would  they be harmed if they stayed ? Probably not! But I know my eldest son needs an opportunity to regain his confidence and love for learning away from the negative social pressures and dynamics of the school environment.

I want to teach my kids..stuff

photo from weirdunsocializedhomeschoolers

I love learning with my kids. I have thoroughly enjoyed teaching my older boys to read and count and play the piano. I love answering their questions.

I’ve probably always been ‘homeschooling’ without realizing.  I grew up in a house where I was surrounded by activities and educational games so I thought this was normal. I love the idea of catering to my kids individual personalities, interests and strengths and helping to foster a love for learning. I can achieve a full days schoolwork in one to two hours of 1:1 time.

I want to teach my kids values….

I used to believe strongly that I wouldn’t send my children to a Christian or private school because I wanted them to experience diversity. I imagined being surrounded by different cultures, religions and socio-economic backgrounds would help them grow to be respectful and tolerant of others. It would prepare them for the real world.

However, the reality is that a 5 year old is still very young to be thrust out into the world to ‘toughen up’.

At the age of 5, 6 and even 7 children are yet to establish their own moral code or value system. This allows them to be easily influenced, easily distracted and easily mislead. It’s hard to stand up for what you believe in – when you don’t actually know what you believe yet!

I don’t want to hand over the role of shaping my kids character to a stranger who changes every year and isn’t allowed to teach values beyond behavior management. I feel a personal responsibility to teach my kids to be kind, thoughtful, considerate, compassionate and loving. I can’t compete when they spend the majority of their day with other people.

I want to learn WITH my kids…

photo from calvaryhomeschool

My eldest son goes to school 30 hours a week.  When he gets home he’s tired, grumpy, non-compliant and fights with his brothers.  I don’t get the best of him and I miss that. I know he’s a good kid but only his teacher gets to experience that now if she even notices.

But, won’t they become weird?

Homeschooling won’t make my kids any weirder than they already are!

What it will do is help them build confidence in their uniqueness. It will give them more time to develop a sense of security so that when they are a little older they can go out into the world knowing that who they are is exactly who they are supposed to be.

This excerpt really inspired me.

“When kids are homeschooled no one makes fun of their outfits that don’t match.  Or the fact that they like to memorize things and wish the math assignments were harder.  No one looks at them askance when they know every answer to every question and are eager to share their knowledge.  When an annoying (wierd) kid like that finds a new hobby and wants to learn everything they can about it and talk about it incessantly, no one treats them like there’s something wrong with pursuing an interest like that, no matter how dull it may seem…

They are not ridiculed into trying to be who God didn’t create them to be.

If they spend their whole childhood trying to be something they’re not or believing that what they are is weird and weird is bad, they’ll enter adulthood with those same perceptions, that same lack of self-confidence.

If, on the other hand, they’re able to cultivate their interests, learn to be comfortable in their own quirky skin, encouraged to achieve as much as their little over-achieving hearts desire, they’ll enter adulthood with the confidence to continue on that path.  They won’t automatically wonder if people will disagree or make fun of them when they make assertions or cling to ideals.  And if those people do disagree or make fun of them they won’t care.  Because they won’t be kids anymore.  They’ll be grown up!”

-          Dwija Borobia (catholic exhchange)

How long will we do this for?

We may homeschool for a few months or maybe a few years. I may send one child to mainstream school and homeschool another. For now, this feels right and I’m excited about what this means for our family as we learn and grow together.

To follow our homeschooling journey in more detail….My homeschooling blog

 Media Monday – Natural Parents Under Attack – Are You Mum Enough?

Posted by Tara Force on May 14, 2012

This provocative magazine cover has caused quite a stir!

The accompanying article in TIME magazine states that attachment parenting is on the rise as more parents feel drawn to a more natural parenting style. There are  two sides to this story. Some believe this philosophy places pressure and unrealistic expectations on mothers whilst others believe doing what comes naturally instead of flowing with popular culture is empowering. There is also the argument that attachment parenting undermines feminism and is therefore degrading to women.

Do you know what I think is degrading? The title of the article: Are you mom enough? It is insulting to mothers who don’t live up to the attachment ideal. It’s provocative and guilt inducing.

It’s a far cry from the real heart of attachment parenting which is less about judgement and more about doing what comes naturally despite popular opinion.

So which is it? Is attachment parenting empowering? Or degrading?

My argument is that it is both. For one person, washing cloth nappies may seem degrading but to another it may be empowering as they make a wise environmental and financial choice. Co-sleeping may be empowering as many of us reject the social pressure to put babies in cots from birth whilst another may feel burdened by the lack of space.  Extended breastfeeding may be empowering as mothers reject the influence of formula companies to wean prematurely whilst others believe toddler formula gives them freedom to take a well-deserved break.

It’s not black and white. This is simply about choice.

Does a sensationalist image like this help break down the stereotype of natural parents?

The photographer from time suggests he chose the cover image to portray there is no stereotype when it comes to attachment parenting. Clearly. The woman looks like a super model and the little boy looks a lot older than three. This is not your ‘average’ depiction of an attached parent. But, is this actually a good thing?

If we can break down the stereotype of an attached or natural parent then perhaps it will allow more modern mothers to feel comfortable making choices that are right for them even when it goes against the flow of the mainstream.

Will natural parenting ever become mainstream?

There is no doubt the ideas are gaining more popularity or at least recognition.

The danger with anything becoming mainstream is that it places social pressure on mothers to conform.  We want to avoid the expectation and pressure for mothers to conform to ANY style of parenting. We desire that more mothers are empowered to find what is right for their own family regardless of what is ‘mainstream’ or ‘popular’.

I want all parents to be empowered to question and challenge the mainstream popular culture that drives so many aspects of our lives including our parenting choices. By doing this, we can be set free to discover our own unique parenting style.

Some may feel that sensationalist articles like this do more harm than good. I disagree. It is only when we dare to question and challenge social boundaries that social change can occur. This issue isn’t all about attachment parenting. This is about challenging our perception of normal and realising we have more choice in how we parent then we realise.

 Media Monday – Mother guilt – Where does the pressure come from?

Posted by Tara Force on May 7, 2012

Mother guilt. Is this merely a term to describe mothers with perfectionist tendencies? Or does this term impact ALL mothers regardless of race, religion or parenting style? Is the perfect or good mother a myth?

Where does our guilt come from? Does it stem from pressure in the media and popular culture? Or does it come from our own unrealistic expectations of the kind of mothers we want to be?

Images of motherhood we see in the media and advertising don’t offer the full picture. We experience the odd “it must be love love love” moments but we also experience frustration, exhaustion,  dirt,  noise and  tears (often ours). This is normal.

Advertising works in a way that normalises perfection so we constantly feel we are never good enough.

But, are we only influenced by popular culture? What about mothers who go against the mainstream and embrace a natural parenting style? Surely they don’t experience mother guilt?

Cass from Australian mum’s commented that whilst feminist Elisabeth Badinter accuses natural parents of placing unnecessary pressure on themselves to parent to this ideal – she may actually have a point. Natural parents and especially those committed to attachment parenting DO experience guilt.

I consider myself a natural-ish parent. I breastfeed. I co-sleep.  I feed my kids healthy, organic food. I question vaccinations.  I think a home-birth would be lovely but I’ve had 4 c-sections. I sometimes use a pram and God forbid, allow my children to eat Mcdonalds. This is why I’ve always been hesitant to declare boldly I AM A NATURAL PARENT.  I don’t measure up. If I was to be quizzed on how natural I am – I would probably fail.

So, beneath the criticism perhaps Elisabeth Badinter has a point.

I am a classic over-thinker. This is why writing a blog is so cathartic for me. I think about everything and I’ll admit, get very passionate (aka obsessed) when something intrigues me.

Recently , I have considered not vaccinating my youngest child. I have literally read dozens of books and ploughed through hundreds of websites. I’ve spent time on the phone to the health department, to doctors and non-vaccinating parents. I have spent hours upon hours researching this decision. It has stressed me out. I’ve had trouble sleeping and I still don’t know what the right decision is. It’s times like this I wish I didn’t think so much. It just makes my life, more um, complicated? More pressured? More guilt-inducing? The ironic thing is, I will probably feel guilty regardless of the decision I make. If I vaccinate I’ll feel guilty if my child has a reaction and if I don’t, I’ll feel guilty if she gets sick from a preventable illness.

Why are we so obsessed with doing this RIGHT? Why are we so afraid of getting this WRONG?  Why is there so much pressure? Are we over-thinking some things? As a culture, is our obsession with research (e.g reading lots of various blogs) and over-thinking guilt-inducing?

Do you feel guilty? What drives your guilt?

 Media Monday – Children are an inconvenience to our modern lives….

Posted by Tara Force on April 30, 2012

Photo from sleepytot.com

The New York times recently produced this article in response to the claim of feminist Erica Jong that alternative parenting imprisons mothers who are trapped by their roles and choices. There was also this article inspired by Elisabeth Badinter’s new book that discussed why attachment parenting is joyless.

The New York times article says:

“In the late ’60s and throughout the ’70s, women were encouraged to free themselves of the excessive guilt and demands of motherhood in favor of a new womanly ideal that denied the reality that many women actually enjoy and are fulfilled by parenting their kids”

The new feminist approach fails to accept that some mothers love being at home with their children. In fact, it implies there is something ‘wrong’ or ‘alternative’ about doing what comes naturally. In reality, these parents are not in the least bit trapped or tied down as their passion is fuelled by the power and purpose of raising the next generation. How can this be a bad thing?

The parents these articles target are primarily those who embrace natural or attachment parenting ideas. They are stereotyped as being ‘alternative’as if a strong commitment to raising a family instead of working is ‘abnormal’, ‘weird’, ‘odd’or ‘bizarre’. The question seems to be, why on earth would you want to be with your children ALL the time?

Parents who are considered ‘alternative’ are extremely committed to their children. Those who practice attachment parenting make sacrifices in order to keep their children close during crucial years of psychological and emotional development. It is interesting that keeping your baby close in a sling or in your bed at night is perceived as alternative. Apparently it is more popular and socially acceptable to want to get away from your kids as if they are an inconvenience.

What has impacted our thinking so much that the thought of being with our child 24hrs a day makes us cringe? Are children that much of an inconvenience to our modern lives? Are they a disruption? An annoyance? A burden?

Call me ‘alternative’ but I genuinely enjoy my kids. It has been harder than I ever could have imagined but it has also been rewarding beyond my wildest dreams. I adore them. Do I enjoy a break every now and then? Of course! But do I constantly feel the need to ‘get away from them’ or ‘have time for myself’? No.

It’s not just feminists. Popular culture plays a role in influencing this attitude too.

How many TV ads picture feral kids running around and getting dirty followed by an encouragement to ‘take some time for yourself’ by consuming or buying a said product? We’re being conditioned to perceive our children as noisy, dirty annoyances that leave us desperately needing a break and therefore requiring a new product or service.

Don’t believe it. Our children are a gift.

If we see our children as a burden it won’t be long before they see themselves as burdens  -  an inconvenience or an ‘alternative’ to the life their parents REALLY wanted.

As parents, we have the choice to raise the next generation as strong, confident, empowered individuals  OR an insecure generation believing they are a burden that requires their parents to work long hours to maintain them or get away from them.

In our modern day culture, we are spoilt for choice. We can choose to stay at home with our children or we can choose to work casually, run a business from home or work full time. We have options. We have choice. It is a personal decision.

Mothers who stay at home or use natural parenting methods are using their power of choice too. They are not forced to do so – they CHOOSE to do so.  This choice should not be condemned by popular culture and modern day feminists.

If enjoying my kids makes me ‘alternative’ then so be it.

Are you an ‘alternative’ parent? What do you think about the attack on more natural forms of parenting?

 Media Monday – Working Mothers vs The Stay-At-Home Mum

Posted by Tara Force on April 23, 2012

photo from meetup.com

According to the media, stay at home mum’s are lazy and uneducated and working mothers are selfish and materialistic.  One UK article suggests women should toughen up and return to work whilst a US politician recently accused a stay-at-home mum of “Not knowing what a hard days work was like”. A debate surrounded by so much judgement usually means one thing – the issue is not black and white.

Women return to work for a variety of reasons. I for one, LOVE my work. It’s rewarding and fulfilling. The money is a welcome addition to our budget but it’s not the main reason I work. I also don’t work all the time so sometimes I refer to myself as a stay-at-home mum. I get to experience both worlds for which I’m very grateful.

The funny thing is, I often find myself telling people I work for financial reasons as if that’s more acceptable than admitting I work for enjoyment.

It seems that working for financial reasons is widely accepted but working to further a career or pursue an area of personal interest is not. The latter is perceived as selfish whilst working for income is a necessity.

I’m going to suggest that the claim “Well, I can’t afford NOT to work” may actually be untrue. I’m going to suggest that because we live in such a consumer-driven culture that many parents have been deceived.

“Well, I can’t afford NOT to work”

What does that actually mean? For some, it may mean not being able to pay bills and eat food. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about feeling financial pressures that have been created by popular culture and that in reality, don’t exist.

The culture of advertising means we no longer know the difference between a need and a want. We think we need what we don’t and we want what we don’t actually need. We convince ourselves we have to work to afford all the things that the media and pop culture tell us we need to be ‘happy’.

We are deceived. We’re beginning to forget what has true value in our lives. We are constantly making decisions that we think are our own but are actually a creation of the industry that drives our culture. We don’t buy because we want to, we buy because we have been taught that these ‘things’ are essential to our happiness and well being.

Many parents will argue that  kids are expensive. Not necessarily. For the most part, we choose how expensive they are.

Kids clothes can be expensive but not if you buy secondhand. Toys are expensive but do kids really need so many? Food can be expensive if you only buy everything in packets.

We may also argue that the cost of living is expensive. It can be but sometimes we make the choice to put ourselves under financial pressure. We often choose to buy things we can’t afford.

We looked at purchasing a home this year. Our mortgage repayments would have been 4x what we are currently paying in rent and it would be a smaller home in a less than ideal suburb. We wrestled with the decision and chose to continue renting and invest elsewhere. The decision was easy – we want to enjoy our kids and felt now was not the right time to take on something so big financially. We could’ve justified the choice as “we NEED to buy a home” based on a culture that places a greater value on what you own rather than who you are. But in reality, we have a roof over our head and the security of staying long term. We WANT to purchase our own home but we don’t NEED to.

Kids will ALWAYS prefer our presence in their life to anything material we could possibly give them. They might nag us for it but deep down, our time with them is worth more than anything we can buy.

I’m certainly not targeting working mothers specifically but trying to raise an important question.  Our good intentions are easily manipulated by an advertising culture.  On the flip side, stay-at-home mums may be left guilty for NOT working because it means kids are missing out on all the things they ‘need’ (which they don’t).  Our popular culture impacts the stay-at-home and working mother equally.

The debate between working and stay-at-home mothers will rage on. The choice to work is a personal one but let’s make sure it’s one that is free from the social pressures of popular culture.

 Media Monday – Do toys create a happy childhood?

Posted by Tara Force on April 15, 2012

I am a child of the 80′s. The toys I loved were care bears and my little ponies. I admit I enjoyed my toys but they weren’t the highlight of my childhood. My fondest memories are of climbing trees, writing stories and imagining fairy villages in my backyard. I remember the kids in my neighbourhood and picking fruit in my grandmother’s backyard. Toys? They were fun but hardly defined my childhood.

Toys have changed and evolved with our changing culture. Many argue that toys are encouraging children to grow up too fast by introducing concepts like sexualised fashion, hairstyles and adult concepts like nightclubs.

Check out this ad for Bratz dolls. What do you think?

Bratz dolls by Mattel

There were many parents who thought it was an overreaction when there was an uproar about Bratz dolls.  The argument I heard loud and clear was “Relax….Toys are part of childhood – just let them enjoy it”…..

Parents who denied their little girls the opportunity to be influenced by a doll promoting make-up and sexed up fashion were clearly perceived as party poopers.

My response was, since when are toys (or more specifically branded & marketed merchandise) synonomous with childhood?

As a culture, we’ve learnt to associate ‘toys’ with ‘childhood’ as if denying our children the latest toys means we are denying them a happy childhood.

I think we need to question what childhood is and what it means to us as parents.

What sort of childhood do we want to give our kids? One primarily influenced by industry and filled with every toy they could ever want? Or by us, the caregivers who have their best interests at heart?

Ben 10

Unfortunately, filling our children’s lives with toys does very little to make their childhood happier. It just grooms them for a life of mindless consumerism. It also teaches them them to value what they can get from the world rather than what they can give and contribute.

Of course there is nothing wrong with children enjoying a few toys. The concern is that we try to use toys, games and gadgets to create a happy childhood for our children instead of focusing on the things that really matter – the things that children will remember for a lifetime.

Let’s not buy into the advertising that tries to manipulate our good intentions. Let’s keep it real and provide our kids with a childhood experience that is based upon something deeper than whatever toy is dominating popular culture.

Written by Tara Force

 Media Monday – Sex, Children & Advertising

Posted by Tara Force on April 2, 2012

Picture yourself walking through your local shopping mall. You are surrounded by billboards, signs, shop fronts, people trying to smother you in hand lotion or convince you to stop and ‘try’ something. It’s bright, loud and busy. You decide to pop into Roger David to buy your dad a new cardigan. Would you even notice the sign hanging over the racks of cheap imported Hawaiian shirts? Probably not. But even if you did, would your thoughts go beyond “Ooh, that’s a bit weird”.

The Sydney Morning Herald recently published this article. It is a disturbing and eye opening look at the dark side of advertising.

So,What is wrong with this particular image? Where do I start?

1. It depicts a young, teen girl

The simple fact that an image of a young child  is being used to attract the middle aged men who shop at Roger David is blatantly wrong and unethical.

2. The girl is made ‘silent’ in the image

The other alarming aspect of this image, is the presence of something in the girl’s mouth. This is actually a common theme in advertising and is designed to dehumanize the person by making them ‘captive’ or ‘silent’. Most of the time it is women depicted in this demeaning way.

In the book ‘Can’t buy my love’ Jean Kilbourne says:

“Women, especially young women, are generally subservient to men in ads, through both size and position. Sometimes it is blatant but other times subtle but it is designed to depict the female as passive, non-threatening, and easily dominated…”

Apparently this makes the advertisement more attractive to men.

With this in mind, remember this image is of a child – not a grown woman – a child that should never be forced to be silent, passive or dominated.

3. It uses the words ‘new love club’

If that title isn’t alluding to paedophilia then I’ll eat my hat. Clearly, this image is designed to be edgy and dark with the suggestion of sexual attraction to a child.

With all we know about how advertising ‘normalises’ feelings and beliefs in society then this image should be especially shocking.

Are we okay with industry normalizing paedophilia? That might sound extreme but it’s not. It all begins with a seed that grows and gains momentum. Before long, our constant exposure will de-sensitise us to the tragic consequences of child sexual abuse.

As a society, we are accustomed to seeing sexualized images everywhere.

The question is where we draw the line.

What I desire to see (and be apart of) is creating an awareness among parents so that we can protect our children and preserve their childhood.

It’s not just about children witnessing an image like this. It’s about what it represents and says about the society and culture we live in.

We must never underestimate the persuasiveness AND the pervasiveness of the influence of advertising on our lives and our children. We  need to protect them not exploit them.

If you want to get proactive about the topic visit collective shout to join their campaign protecting girls and women from sexualisation in advertising and the media.

 Media Monday – Why I don’t want to be a ‘yummy mummy’ ….

Posted by Tara Force on March 26, 2012

photo from usmagazine

I used to want to be a yummy mummy. Now, I cringe when I hear the term.

The yummy mummy idea is nothing more than a creation of the mass media designed to target women’s insecurities in order to make us better consumers.

What do I mean? When we are insecure and lacking in self-esteem we spend more money. If we believe that stretchmarks are unsightly then we will buy cream to fix it. If we believe it’s important to be stylish then we will buy designer clothes and baby accessories. If we believe that we NEED to lose that baby weight pronto then we will purchase that gym membership. Our lifestyle and product choices reflect what we believe to be most important.

We are sold the idea of the yummy mummy through media hype over celebrities and baby weight and articles in magazines and TV. The image is glamourous and attractive and draws us in. We want to fit the image so we go out and buy that overpriced baby bag or pram making sure we ‘keep up appearances’ so that other people will notice.

Through advertising and the media we are taught to believe that there is something wrong with us that needs to be fixed. This is why we buy.

On the flipside, if we are confident and secure within ourselves then we know that fashionable clothing doesn’t define us and  carrying a bit of extra weight isn’t a big deal.

So, why should we throw out the term yummy mummy?

The yummy mummy idea has become idolised. It’s made new mothers even more paranoid and self-conscious about the way they look. It also takes the focus off what is actually important – being a good mum.

It’s shallow, empty and meaningless.

We need to source our values and beliefs from something deeper than an industry-generated popular culture and stop swallowing the messages we receive from the media.

It is awfully confronting when we realize how much of what we believe to be important has been influenced by nothing more than industry.

So it’s fair to say, I don’t want to be a yummy mummy.

I just want to be a good mummy!

an image that reflects the true value of a mum

For more articles on this subject see the yummy mummy myth or When you are not okay the way you are

 Media Monday – “I only want to give my baby the best!” How MUMmedia began!

Posted by Tara Force on March 19, 2012

Photo from www.motherandbaby.co.uk

Over the years, I’ve discovered so many of the perceptions and beliefs we have about motherhood and parenting are influenced by the media and advertising.

I wasn’t always aware though.

When I was pregnant with my first child I didn’t know where to look for information. I found myself purchasing pregnancy and baby magazines. These were full of cute babies, attractive mothers and articles about weight loss, how to dress your baby and set up a nursery.

Like any expectant mother, I was determined to give my baby the best start to life. I became obsessed with creating the ‘perfect’ nursery truly believing that this extravagance would be a reflection of the love I had for my child. He would have to know how much I loved him if I spared no expense when it came to designer labels and overpriced furniture right?

Photo from www.healthadviceonline.biz

When my firstborn son entered the world I admit that I actually cried when I had to resort to a cheaper brand of nappies. I felt like I was letting my son down. I wasn’t giving him the best and he deserved the best.

My son was always dressed in labels as a baby and owned numerous pairs of completely impractical but oh so adorable shoes. I forced him to watch educational DVD’s and read books about Disney and the Wiggles before he could hold his head up. I also attended a course on ‘teaching your baby to read’. I wanted him to have it all!

Photo from baby depot

And then I had my second child…..

As I gained more confidence in my parenting, I began to question why on earth I felt that products  were reflective of my ability as a mother. I wasn’t a bad mother because my second born child only wore wondersuits. I also knew the pram I pushed didn’t make me superior.  The notion was ridiculous but the feelings I had were genuine and real.

The reality is that no-one truly believes they are influenced by advertising – which is exactly why it works!

The media and advertising don’t only influence our product choices. They influence how we think, feel and what we value as parents. We are most sensitive when we are expecting our first child and advertisers love to exploit this vulnerability. They try to sell us a picture of motherhood in order to sell us products. But, more about that later.

A good mother isn’t reflected in how we look, how our children look or what we own and yet that is just one of the lies we have been taught to believe through advertising. These messages are often misleading and contradictory, encouraging us to doubt ourselves and our worth.

So this is how MUMmedia was born….out of a desire to encourage other parents to not become cynical but aware of how our popular culture (founded on media and advertising) impacts our parenting. Through this we can re-gain confidence and be empowered to find our own unique parenting style even when it goes against the flow.

 What is WRONG with you? The challenges of raising a spirited child

Posted by Tara Force on March 12, 2012

Welcome to the March 2012 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting With Special Needs

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have shared how we parent despite and because of challenges thrown our way. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

The day I discovered the term ‘spirited child’ was a day of great relief for me as a mother. It was the day I found peace with my first born son’s uniqueness.

As a toddler, my son seemed ‘more’ than other kids. He was louder, more energetic and active, asked more questions, seemed more sensitive emotionally and his behavior was infinetly difficult to manage. He was always the kid at mother’s group discovered rummaging through the forbidden cupboard, pushing another child over or throwing sand in someone’s face. His intense and unpredictable behavior was exhausting and at times, alienating. I resisted every urge to yell at him in pure frustration “What is WRONG with you?.” He just wasn’t like other kids.

Well meaning friends and relatives were quick to offer advice. One friend even gently asked, “Well, have you tried disciplining him?.” Tried? I was trying constantly but he just would NOT respond like a ‘normal’ child.

I often left playdates in tears and felt incredibly alone and at times guilty, that perhaps his behavior was a reflection of my poor parenting. I often wondered if I (we) had created a monster.

The term ‘spirited children’ describes a proportion of children who are simply more intense, sensitive, perceptive and challenging than other children. I discovered there wasn’t anything ‘wrong’ with my son. This was all apart of the unique personality and temperament he was born with. Once I accepted him as he was I was able to help guide and shape his character without trying to change him.

I learnt to acknowledge that many challenging personality traits like assertiveness (boldness), strong-will (stubbornness)  and enthusiasm (intensity) were actually qualities that we value highly in adults but deem inappropriate in children.  I realised I didn’t want to ‘discipline’ these qualities out of  him and make him feel like there was something wrong with him. I wanted to help channel those characteristics into more appropriate and productive behaviors and activities. I became excited at the realization that if my son could channel his persistence, his passion and his intensity that he had the potential to make a difference in the world!

Today, my eldest son is 6 years old and we are continuing to discover more about his uniqueness. Already we are beginning to see the troubling behaviors of his toddler years being channeled into an impressive little musician and academic. I see what I once perceived as weaknesses revealing themselves as strengths. I am so proud of him. We continue to have behavioral challenges but nowhere near as often. I now deal with them more effectively, accepting that my role is to guide and shape him but not to change the very essence of who he is.

“Motherhood is about raising and celebrating the child you have, not the child you thought you would have. It’s about understanding that he is exactly the person he is supposed to be. And that, if you’re lucky, he just might be the teacher who turns you into the person you are supposed to be.”

- Joan Ryan

Parenting a spirited child brings the highest of highs and the lowest of lows but I now know I am not alone.  I can now embrace my son with a renewed peace and understanding that he is exactly the person that he is supposed to be.

So to anyone who asks – There is nothing WRONG with my son!

He’s just spirited!

***

Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be live and updated by afternoon March 13 with all the carnival links.)

• Parenting A Child With Neutropenia — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama discusses the challenge of parenting a young child who cannot produce enough neutrophils to fight off bacterial infections.
• How I Love My High Need Baby — Shannon at GrowingSlower was shocked to find she is parenting a high-needs baby, but she’s surviving thanks to attachment parenting.
• We’re a Lot Like You — kaidera at Our Little Acorn talks about how her family is similar to others, even with all their special needs
• Raising a babe with IUGR: from birth through the toddler years — Rachel at Lautaret Bohemiet shares the story of how her son’s post-birth IUGR diagnosis affected his first days of life and gave her an unexpected tutorial in advocating for their rights as a family.
• When a grandparent has a disability — Shannon at Pineapples & Artichokes shares how she has approached explaining her mother’s disability to her young child.
• Taking The Time To Really See Our Children — Sam at Love Parenting writes about her experiences working with children with various disabilities and how it has affected her parenting style.
• Natural Parenting In An Unnatural Environment — Julie at What I Would Tell You gives us a glimpse into how she improvised to be a natural parent against all odds.
• Getting Through the NICU — Laura at Authentic Parenting gives a few pointers on how to deal with your newborn’s stay in the NICU.
• Living With Sensory Processing Disorder — Christy at Adventures in Mommyhood talks about the challenges that can come from living with a child who has SPD.
• Our rules for NICU – March Carnival — Hannabert’s Mom shares her family’s rules for family and friends of a NICU baby.
• Muddy Boots: Speaking Up for Special Friends — MudpieMama shares about the day her little boy stepped up and spoke up for his best “special” friend.
• Letter from Mineral’s Service Dog — Erika at Cinco de Mommy imagines the letter that accompanies her special needs son’s Service Dog.
• Blessings in Unexpected Places — That Mama Gretchen welcomes an inspiring guest post from a dear friend who shares about the blessings that come from a child with Down syndrome.
• Tube Feeding with a Blenderized Diet of Whole Foods — Erica at ChildOrganics shares her experiences with using real food when feeding her daughter who was unable to feed herself and needed a feeding tube.
• Abbey and Evan — Amyables at Toddler In Tow writes about watching her preschooler play with her friend who is autistic and deaf, and wonders how she can explain his special needs better.
• How to Minimise the Chance of a {Genetically Prone} Child Being Diagnosed with ADHD — Christine at African Babies Don’t Cry shares her tips on keeping a child who is genetically prone to ADHD from suffering the effects.
• Tough Decisions: Parenting With Special Needs — Brenna at Almost All The Truth shares what has been keeping her up at night worrying, while spending her days discovering just what her options are for her precocious child.
• Life with my son — For Dr. Sarah at Good Enough Mum, life with an autistic child is just another variation on the parenting experience.
• Dear Special Needs Mama — Sylvia at MaMammalia writes a letter of encouragement to herself and other mamas of special needs children.
• What is ‘wrong’ with you’ The challenge of raising a spirited child — Tara at MUMmedia discusses the challenges of raising a child who is ‘more’ intense, stubborn, and strong willed than your average child.
• Tips for Parenting a Child With Special Medical Needs — Jorje of Momma Jorje shares her shortlist of tips she’s learned in parenting a newborn with special medical needs in a guest post at Becoming Crunchy.
• Parenting the Perfectionist Child — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children discusses that as parents of gifted children, we are in the unique position to help them develop the positive aspects of their perfectionism.
• Montessori-Inspired Special Needs Support — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now gives a list of websites and blogs with Montessori-inspired special-needs information and activities.
• Accommodating Others’ Food Allergies — Ever wonder how to handle another family’s food allergies or whether you should just skip the play date altogether? At Code Name: Mama, Dionna’s friend Kellie (whose family has a host of allergies) shares how grateful she is when friends welcome them, as well as a list of easy snacks you can consider.
• Only make promises you can keep — Growing up the child of a parent with a chronic illness left a lasting impact on Laura of A Pug in the Kitchen and what she is willing to promise for the future.
• A Mom and Her Son — Jen at Our Muddy Boots was fortunate to work with a wonderful family for several summers, seeing the mother of this autistic son be his advocate, but not in the ways she thought.
• Guest Post from Maya at Musings of A Marfan Mom — Zoie at TouchstoneZ is honored to share a guest post from Maya, who writes about effective tools she has found as a parent of two very special boys.
• You Don’t Have to Be a Rock — Rachael at The Variegated Life finds steadiness in allowing herself to cry.
• When Special Needs Looks “Normal” — Amy at Anktangle writes about her experience with mothering a son who has Sensory Processing Disorder. She offers some tips (for strangers, friends, and loved ones) on how to best support a family dealing with this particular neurological challenge.
• Special Needs: Limitation or Liberation? — Melissa of White Noise describes the beauty in children with special needs.
• How I Learned It’ll Be Okay — Ashley at Domestic Chaos reflects on what she learned while nannying for a boy with verbal delays.
• Attachment Parenting and Depression — Shannon at The Artful Mama discusses how attachment parenting has helped her get a clearer image of herself as a parent and of her depression.
• On invisible special needs & compassion — Lauren at Hobo Mama points out that even if we can’t see a special need, it doesn’t mean it’s not there.
• Thoughts on Parenting Twins — Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings shares her approach to parenting twins.
• ABCs of Breastfeeding in the NICU — Jona at Breastfeeding Twins offers tips for establishing breastfeeding in the alphabet soup of the NICU.
• Life With Michael – A Mother’s Experience of Life With Aspergers Disorder — At Diary of a First Child, Luschka’s sister-in-law Nicky shares her experience as mother to a child on the Autism Spectrum. It is filled with a mother’s love and devotion to her child as an individual, not a label.
• HIs Voice — Laura at WaldenMommy relives the day her son said his first sentence.
• Raised by a Special Needs Mom — Momma Jorje shares what it was like growing up as the daughter of a mother with a handicap.
• Becoming a Special Needs Mom — Ellen at These Broken Vases shares about becoming the mother of a child with Down syndrome
• She Said It Was “Vital” — Alicia of Lactation Narration (and My Baby Sweets) discusses the conflict she felt when trying to decide whether therapy was necessary for her daughter.